Recently I had an MRI done and my whole body had to fit into the coffin like x-ray machine. I am claustrophobic by nature and it was not a pleasant experience to say the least. I had to squeeze the little panic ball the nurse left in my hand a few times. I was anxiety ridden and not so sure I was going to be able to keep my cool for forty-five long minutes.
I made it through and went about the rest of my day. But, I couldn't shake the feelings of death and I just kept wondering what happens to us when we die. I was certain that when I pass on from this life that I never want to be put in a coffin and buried. I have been thinking about this ever since.
When I was a child I remember Sunday night Alfred Hitchcock movies. I will never forget the one where a man was buried alive. That frightened me to the core and stayed with me until this day.
I hate to sound morbid, but it’s a fact of life that we all must leave this earth one day. We come in alone and go out alone. Death is the one experience we cannot escape. Not even if you are Walt Disney and decide to freeze your body.
So, the hours after my freakishly terrifying, thought provoking x-ray I phoned a few family members to let them know if something should happen to me I never want to be buried in the ground.
“How the hell will you know, Janine? And, I won’t be here to do anything about it because you are going to live a long life.” My father’s reply.
“I don’t want to talk about it, Janine! Knock it off.” My mother’s words.
Then there was good ole Nana’s, “Honey, I am going to be cremated, ashes to ashes, dust to dust.”
None of their comments truly soothed my soul. “Dad, I want us all to go out the same way. I want to make sure we are all together again one day.”
“And how do you know I won’t know what’s going on when I’m dead. Nobody ever came back to tell us what happens next??”
“Mom, it’s part of life and I want you to listen to me when I talk about reality no matter how hard it is.”
“Nana, I’m not so sure what I want but the thought of being in the ground in a coffin is terrifying to me whether I am aware of it or not.”
I am not sure where we go from here, none of us are. I have faith in God. I can’t imagine that we never see our families again or forget who they are and what they were to us. I shiver at the thought that we just die and nothing happens after that.
I have always been spiritual and always thought that we go to Heaven and even if we don’t float on a cloud then maybe we just reunite with friends and family.
“Maybe we are dreaming right now. This thing we call life could be a dream.” I don’t know, dad. Not sure.
“I think we go to another planet.” My brother chimed in.
Maybe we fall asleep and go into dream mode and have happy dreams if we are in Heaven and nightmares if we are in Hell. I think I think too much sometimes. But, something really bothers me about not knowing where we go from here.
I can say with conviction that we will be in the kingdom of the Lord, but do I believe it with conviction? Do you?
I know that I am a believer in blind faith and I always look for signs from above. I believe in ghosts and guardian angels. I believe there is more. It’s the getting to the more and the being alone that scares me. The road trip to the unknown is what makes me wonder.
I do know that without a doubt I will be living life to the fullest. I will not be frightened by life and living.
Since the MRI and all of my deep thinking a few people I know have sadly passed away in this short time.
There’s this song that keeps popping up on the radio while I’m driving called “If I die young.”
The woman singing wants to be buried in satin, put on a bed of roses, and left to sink in the river at dawn while she’s sent away with the words of a love song.
Again, I think.
I’ve been touched by a spirit or two recently in my life. I’m in touch with a higher being. I know there is more after this life or this dream or this planet.
I know, I believe, and I pray.
Right now I am going to focus on all the things I do know for certain. I am going to live life, feel life, touch life, and see life.
Where do we go from here?
I don’t know. None of us know.
I will be thinking until God calls for me. I must admit that I would much rather be thinking than knowing.
I’ve been told hundreds of times in my life that I am an old soul. I do believe that about myself.
I have been here before. No doubt about it. And, that gives me hope.
Maybe that’s the only thing I should focus on, maybe that’s the only thing God wants me to know at this time.
Amen to that.
